Do you ever feel when things are going really good that someone is about to die?

Do you ever feel so happy that you think “Oh this can’t last, something bad is about to happen?”

I have thought that i will die in childbirth for every single delivery. Like i really have felt that large families, one of the parents always dies.

So morbid. I know.

Maybe Brandon will lose his job and we are supposed to struggle financially….

Why do i think God wants to pull the rug from under me?

When He has NEVER treated me that way in the past? He has never failed me. He has always protected me and seen me through Every. Single. Situation.

The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures;

He leads me beside still waters;

He restores my soul. He leads me in right paths For His Name’s sake.

Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I fear no evil;

For you are with me;

Your rod and Your staff – they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies, You anoint my head with oil;

My cup overflows.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me All the days of my life. And I shall dwell in the house of the Lord My whole life long.

[Psalm 23:1-6; NRSV]

Every time this Psalm comes up it challenges my morbid mistrust. It says

-He leads me to green pastures.

-He anoints my head.

-He comforts me.

-My cup overflows.

It says nothing about an accidental death in the pasture. Or famine at the table.

Sometimes i have to repeat in my head. “Jesus i trust in you”, even when i don’t really mean it. When i do that it breaks the cyclone of doubt and fear in my head.

Another good way i have found to increase my trust in God is to start my prayer time with the psalms. Specifically the ones that praise God.

I never understood why would God need praise? He knows what He is capable of. But according to the Benedictine monks, it’s not for Him. It’s for us to realize how powerful and praiseworthy He is. The Monks pray at 7 intervals a day. But we can easily imitate this in part through our morning prayer.

Just start with the Psalms. When i was following the monks daily prayers (liturgy of the hours) something changed in me. I looked forward to the next prayer time to praise God.

When i first started it felt weird but then as i did it, i began to encounter God differently.

I realize after having the baby my prayer life is sporadic at best and not there at it’s worst. So my fears and mistrust have followed suit.

The priest told this story in Mass…

There was a man who always had financial problems. He started to pray and ask God , “Please let me win the lottery!”

“Please let me win the lottery!”

“Please let me win the lottery!”

Everyday he would pray this.

One day God shouted back …

“Can you please buy a ticket!!”

So here is my ticket ( lottery ticket) to Trusting God for today:

I will pray the Psalms of the day several times.

Psalm 150 is a great one.

( A side note Jesus himself would have prayed the same Psalms that we are saying)

4 thoughts on “Will God Spite Me?

  1. I find when I was younger i had those thoughts, much more than I do now ! I think when you feel less incontrol of your souroundings , your fear aplifies . The one thing I’ve learned and try to remember is that I have no control over my children,my Husband and my Grandchildren. And when ever fears of worry enter in to my thoughts I try to remember to run to pray ,,,, Prayer 🙏🏻 always brings me back to a simple peaceful place !

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s one of the nicest comments I’ve gotten!!
      Thank you !
      I always appreciate the comments It lets me know people are relating to it!!!
      Hope you have a great day!

      Like

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